Sorry for the delay of this post, the stay at home mother Groundhog Day had me confused about what day of the week today is. Please welcome Leighann, who perfectly captures the constant doubt we suffer, and why we kept going back for more.
* * *
It was April Fools Day and I was in grade 6, I walked across town to meet my two girlfriends. We always met at the bottom of the hill and then walked up the rest of the way to school together.
Everyday I worried their giggles behind my back would get worse. They whispered and passed notes, laughed at the things I said, and purposefully excluded me. Today wasn’t going to be a good day. April Fools would give them a reason to be extra mean.
I shoved my hands in my pockets and kept my head lowered. I didn’t know what I had done to make them mad at me or why I was so unlikable. I tried to talk to them, to make them laugh, to be cool so they would like me the same way they used to but nothing worked.
I was the butt of their jokes.
I was being left out of weekend sleep overs.
I was being called names.
I felt lonely.
But I didn’t have any other friends.
I walked up to our meeting spot and looked around. Usually they were there waiting, talking with each other, looking through their book bags, laughing.
Not today.
I was alone.
Tears rolled down my face.
They left me to walk by myself.
Then I remembered it was April Fools Day. It was just a joke! They were just playing a silly joke on me. Oh! Haha. Those silly friends of mine.
I rushed up the hill, ready to laugh with my friends about their crazy antics. Ready to forgive the past months of name calling, mean songs, horrible things written.
When I saw them my heart pounded hard.
I was scared. I was so desperate to have my friends back.
My palms were sweaty in my coat pockets and my backpack felt heavier than normal.
The first girl looked my way and nudged the other one.
She looked at me.
I was afraid of this one. She was bossy and bold and lied to her parents.
She laughed at me.
Grabbed the first girl by the arm and walked away.
It wasn’t a joke.
It was real.
I was invisible.
Invisible for games, for friendship, for secrets, and for sleepovers.
Not for name calling, fat jokes, made up songs, and taunting.
At home I would lie awake and pray for God to give me friends, to make the girls disappear, and ask him why this had happened.
I would cry when it was time for school and beg to stay home, asking why they were doing this to me.
And I wouldn’t know until I grew up.
Until it was time for me to have a daughter.
For me to tell her my story.
It happened to make me the strong, empathetic person I am now.
To those girls I am grateful.
Your story made me cry a little, but not necessarily in a bad way. Your story could be one of mine. They are tears of recognition. Tears with a smile, because you survived the mean girls, too. You didn’t let them kill your spirit. I am happy to meet you, Leighann.
*HUGS*
Phyllis
Posted by Phyllis | June 17, 2011, 8:58 AMThank you Phyllis.
At the time I didn’t want to survive, I didn’t know why it was happening.
I so know now!
I’m so glad it happened.
It shaped me!
Posted by multitaskingmumma | June 17, 2011, 2:23 PMMy heart hurts for you, friend. If only those girls knew the awesomeness that they are missing out on now.
Posted by Leigh Ann | June 17, 2011, 9:48 AMKnow what dude?
I think they do.
FB is a crazy tool.
But I’m not Oprah.
I can forgive – but I don’t forget.
Posted by multitaskingmumma | June 17, 2011, 2:25 PMLeighann, thank you for sharing this. And you are amazing for not letting this experience embitter you, choosing instead to let it shape your strength as the woman you are today.
I have no doubt your daughter will be amazing like you. Love ya! xoxo
Posted by Alison@Mama Wants This | June 17, 2011, 10:00 AMAlison, this is so my biggest fear.
I’m so scared my daughter will endure what I did.
I want her to be strong and not let it get to her.
I want her to laugh it off and see those girls as silly.
It keeps me awake at night.
Posted by multitaskingmumma | June 17, 2011, 2:26 PMThis is so heartbreaking. While I wasn’t bullied as a child I watched my sister go through it. Terrible. Kids can be so mean and I’m sorry that you had to endure that.
Posted by Kimberly | June 17, 2011, 1:14 PMIt had to have been equally as hard watching your sister go through it.
I remember my brother running down the school hill after me to protect me from the girls.
He was younger!
He would put his arm around me and tell me that I would be okay.
Siblings feel how we feel.
Posted by multitaskingmumma | June 17, 2011, 2:27 PMI am so sorry about all this horrible behavior.
It feels good to tell the story, doesn’t it? To have someone listen and validate the unfairness of it all.
Posted by Alexandra | June 17, 2011, 2:35 PMI sure does!
To know that the bullying was never my fault and to know that there are outlets for girls to go now to get support?
All worth it.
Posted by multitaskingmumma | June 19, 2011, 3:07 PMI began this blog because it does help to have someone listen. And understand.
Posted by Kelly K @ Dances with Chaos | October 10, 2011, 5:05 PMI”m so sorry you had to go through this when you were growing up but it is good that it made you stronger and that you can pass on this lesson to your child(ren).
P.S. if anyone is every mean to you again tell them that they will have to answer to me and the other Torres. That should scare them enough to leave you alone.
Posted by Jessica | June 17, 2011, 7:33 PMThis is awful. I hope these girls have grown up not to treat people this way. You are such a wonderful person and I know your daughter will learn and grow from this story. What a wonderful gift that you can give her, even if you didn’t know it.
Thanks for sharing.
Posted by Amy | June 18, 2011, 9:38 PMI only know one of them as a adult and I know she isn’t the same person. She’s kind and a great friend to people.
the others I haven’t befriended, nor do I wish to.
I can forgive but I can’t forget.
Posted by multitaskingmumma | June 19, 2011, 3:08 PMI hate hearing that people I think are wonderful were treated like this. It’s not fair, stupid, juvenile – all that. I suspect you came out of it stronger, and I love that you’re telling this story so others know they’re not the only ones.
Posted by MamaRobinJ | June 19, 2011, 3:13 PMHate bullies. Hate bullying. Breaks my heart. Girls can be so vicious. I hope and pray my daughter is neither a victim nor an instigator. Thank you for sharing these brave words.
Posted by Rach (DonutsMama) | June 19, 2011, 10:34 PMGod knew what He was doing, eh? It makes my heart ache, thinking of little girl you, but Mama, look at you now! I’m so pleased to read that you have only let this experience define in positive ways – that’s a big strength.
My fear is always that my sons will love a mean girl. Or a bully. Have you told your daughter this story?
Posted by Liz McLennan (Bellymonster) | June 20, 2011, 6:35 AM